The Avoider is a common sabotaging part that often emerges when we’re trying to achieve health goals. The Avoider’s primary role is to help you avoid discomfort, stress, or overwhelming tasks, but this can lead to procrastination or neglecting necessary actions. In the context of health, the Avoider might push you to delay or avoid behaviors like meal prepping, exercise, or self-care, especially if they feel too demanding, uncomfortable, or daunting.
Working with The Avoider through IFS (Internal Family Systems) can help you develop more balanced and proactive approaches to achieving your health goals. Below is a step-by-step process to get to know your Avoider and transform its influence:
Step-by-Step Guide to Working with the Avoider
1. Identify the Avoider Part
The first step is recognizing when and how the Avoider shows up. It might be subtle at first, but with time, you can begin to notice its patterns. The Avoider might make excuses, rationalize procrastination, or focus on distractions rather than addressing the task at hand.
- Examples of Avoider Thoughts:
- “I’ll do it tomorrow.”
- “I’m too tired to deal with this today.”
- “I don’t feel like it right now; I’ll get to it later.”
- “This is too overwhelming. I don’t know where to start.”
- Behavioral Signs: The Avoider might lead you to scroll through social media, watch TV, or engage in other distractions instead of focusing on health-related tasks like meal planning or exercising.
2. Engage with the Avoider
Once you identify that the Avoider is taking control, engage with it directly by having an internal conversation. Ask it questions to understand its motivations and the fears or concerns behind its resistance to taking action.
- Questions to Ask the Avoider:
- “Why are you trying to stop me from doing this?”
- “What are you afraid will happen if I take action?”
- “What is it about this task that feels overwhelming or difficult for you?”
- “What are you protecting me from?”
3. Understand the Origins of the Avoider
Often, the Avoider part arises from past experiences where avoiding something provided relief or protection. For example, as a child, you might have learned to avoid conflict, difficult tasks, or uncomfortable feelings to feel safer. The Avoider is trying to help you, but its protection strategy may not be serving your long-term well-being.
- Reflect on Childhood or Life Experiences: Was there a time when avoiding things made you feel safer or less stressed? Did you learn to avoid discomfort to protect yourself from failure, criticism, or emotional overwhelm?
- Example: The Avoider might stem from a situation where you were punished for making mistakes or overburdened with tasks, leading to a learned avoidance pattern. It may now be trying to shield you from the stress of feeling inadequate or overwhelmed.
4. Connect with Your Core Self
In IFS, Self is the compassionate, wise leader within you who can help mediate the relationship with your internal parts, including the Avoider. When you engage with the Avoider, try to do so from the perspective of your Self—calm, understanding, and compassionate.
- Approach the Avoider with Compassion:
- “I understand that you’re trying to protect me from feeling overwhelmed or anxious. I hear you.”
- “I appreciate that you want to help me avoid stress, but I also need to take action to reach my health goals.”
- Allow the Avoider to Feel Heard: Before moving into problem-solving, let the Avoider know you understand its concerns and validate its feelings. This can lower its defenses and allow for more productive dialogue.
5. Reframe the Avoider’s Beliefs
Once you’ve established a compassionate connection with the Avoider, you can begin to reframe its beliefs. The Avoider might believe that avoiding discomfort is the best way to protect you, but you can challenge that belief with healthier, more balanced perspectives.
- Reframe the Avoider’s Core Belief:
- “Taking small steps and facing discomfort in manageable chunks is a better way to protect me and help me reach my goals.”
- “I don’t need to avoid discomfort to feel safe. I can learn to handle difficult feelings in healthy ways.”
- “Action, even imperfect action, is progress. It’s better than avoiding and staying stuck.”
6. Develop a Plan to Ease the Avoider’s Fears
Often, the Avoider feels overwhelmed by the scope of a task, which is why it resists. To make it easier for the Avoider, break the task down into smaller, more manageable steps. Help the Avoider feel safe by ensuring that each step feels achievable.
- Chunk Down Tasks: For example, if the goal is to create a gut-healing meal plan, the Avoider might resist because it feels like a huge task. Instead, break it into smaller, more manageable actions:
- Step 1: “I will choose two meals to prepare this week.”
- Step 2: “I will make a simple grocery list for those two meals.”
- Step 3: “I will cook one meal today.”
- Step 4: “I will check in with myself to see how I feel after completing this task.”
- Set Realistic Expectations: Reassure the Avoider that perfection isn’t necessary. “I don’t have to do everything perfectly or all at once. I just need to take the first step.”
7. Offer Healthy Coping Strategies
Since the Avoider often stems from a desire to avoid unpleasant emotions (e.g., stress, fear, discomfort), help it find healthier ways to cope with these feelings rather than procrastinating or avoiding the task.
- Examples of Healthy Coping Strategies:
- Mindfulness: “When I feel overwhelmed, I’ll take a few deep breaths and focus on the present moment.”
- Gentle Movement: “If I feel stuck, I can take a short walk or stretch to help clear my mind.”
- Chunking Tasks: “When I feel overwhelmed, I’ll break the task into smaller pieces and focus on one step at a time.”
- Self-Compassion: “It’s okay if I don’t get everything perfect. I’m learning and growing.”
8. Create a New Agreement with the Avoider
Now that you’ve worked through the Avoider’s fears, it’s time to create a new agreement. This involves negotiating a healthier way forward—one where the Avoider can still feel heard and safe, but also supports your goals.
- Agreement: “I understand that you want to protect me from discomfort, but together, we will take small steps that are manageable. I can face discomfort in small doses, and we’ll celebrate each step I take.”
- Reframe the Role: You can reframe the Avoider’s role from “protecting me by avoiding” to “helping me take small, manageable steps toward my health goals.”
9. Celebrate Progress
As you implement small steps toward your health goals, make sure to celebrate the progress along the way. This reinforces the positive outcomes of taking action and helps retrain your brain to associate progress with safety, rather than discomfort.
- Example: After successfully meal planning or exercising, say to yourself, “Great job! That wasn’t as hard as I thought, and I feel good about moving forward.”
Example: Using IFS to Work with the Avoider Around Exercise
Let’s say you’ve been avoiding exercise because it feels overwhelming, especially when you’re already stressed.
- Identify the Avoider: You notice that whenever you think about working out, your Avoider part kicks in. Thoughts like, “I’m too tired” or “It’s too hard” arise.
- Engage with the Avoider: You ask, “Why don’t you want me to exercise right now?” The Avoider responds, “Exercise feels too tiring, and I’m already exhausted from work.”
- Understand the Origins: You recognize that the Avoider might have developed because of childhood experiences where you were pushed too hard in sports or overburdened with responsibilities, leading you to avoid anything that felt too demanding.
- Reconnect with Your Core Self: You approach the Avoider with compassion, saying, “I understand you’re trying to protect me from getting overwhelmed, but I also want to take care of my health.”
- Reframe the Belief: You explain, “Exercise doesn’t have to be intense. I can start with a short walk or a gentle yoga session. It doesn’t have to be perfect.”
- Offer Healthy Coping Strategies: You reassure the Avoider that if you feel too tired, you can simply rest and try again tomorrow.
- New Agreement: You agree to take a 10-minute walk or do a short, gentle exercise session. “We can start small, and that’s enough for today.”
- Celebrate: After completing the walk or exercise, you celebrate, “I did it! That felt great, and it wasn’t as hard as I thought.”
Conclusion
Working with The Avoider in the context of IFS involves developing a compassionate, balanced relationship with this part of yourself. Through understanding its origins, reframing its beliefs, and negotiating a healthier approach, you can transform its role and move closer to achieving your health goals.
